Demonstrating parental weaknesses is a ‘retreat to progress’, encouraging children to live more independently and responsibly.
Article by psychologist Li Yun (China).
A few days ago, a mother shared a story: “I criticized my daughter for not playing the piano well. She turned to say: ‘Can I play without saying’. How should I answer my child?”
This question has nearly 3 million views, it can be seen how to get along with their children is a difficult problem for many parents. In assessments like: “This is a rebellious and rebellious child”, I am satisfied with a mother’s answer: “Mom can’t do it, please teach me.”
In fact, being a powerful parent doesn’t have to be about overwhelming or nagging your children. Learning how to “show your weaknesses” is the weapon of wisdom.
People often hear some mothers who are particularly proud of their children: “My baby is very obedient.” These mothers always force children to follow orders, but such “tiger mothers” raise weak children.
In the TV series “Take the name of a family member“, the character Qi Minh Nguyet is the standard” son of a family “: good at school, beautiful and obedient. But she is strictly controlled by her mother. object, black was criticized for being old, not for girls. Only when Qi chose pink did her mother nod her head with the words: “I’m just like my dad, I don’t have a bit of my own righteousness.”
In the end what happened to the girl? Not only is she not confident but also skeptical of her own ability: “I really did not do well. Not wanting to “obey” her mother for the rest of her life, Te’s protests then took place very boldly. Leaving the exam blank in the college entrance exam is her “retaliation” with her mother. And her whole life later was affected by this decision.
Chinese psychologist Li Guofong once said: “After the age of 12, parents’ communication style must change. The most important thing is to learn how to show one’s own weakness”. According to this psychologist, the fact that parents “appear weak” in front of their children is not because of ignorance or ignorance, but a kind of wise retreat, allowing and encouraging children to be themselves. In psychology this is called the “Weak Effect”. The essence of it is to create power by softness.
Learning to show weakness in front of children is a wise parenting process, a process in which parents take a long-term view and let go.
In the program “The Teenager Speak”, a little girl surnamed Vien asked her mother in a nearly pleading tone: “I know that other people are wonderful, but why am I trying to study and work hard as well? Everybody you never noticed? “. The mother’s reply was then very determined: “Without making a criticism, you will not be human.” She could only stand still, with tears in her eyes.
It was a great opportunity to heal the mother-daughter relationship, but it was ruined by the “vigor” of the mother.
In the education that many children get from childhood, parents seem to be “superiors”. Unconditional compliance with the decisions of parents is the responsibility of the children. However, if children have been in this “psychological weakness” for a long time, one is that they will silently follow programmed robots, over time they will become self-conscious, even cowardly. Second, they will oppose to the end.
“100 times of bumming doesn’t work as well as one dog “, psychologist Ly Quy Dong once said. According to this psychologist, if parents can give up their dominance of being a parent, they can gain their children’s trust and respect.
Demonstrating weakness is a way of “withdrawing to progress”, helping to stimulate a child’s developmental potential, arousing inner strength, enhancing confidence and encouraging children to be more independent and responsible.
So, how should parents show weakness to their children?
1. Mom / Dad doesn’t know how to do it
Many parents feel that they must be almighty in front of their children, to be a good role model and that they will have to admire them. In fact, if the parents are too strong, the children often find them inferior. It is better to teach your child the correct answer rather than the ability to find the answer.
When saying: “Parents do not know how” will stimulate excitement to explore the unknown, also the best weapon to hone children’s thinking skills.
2. Parents can’t do it, please help
The famous English psychologist Donald Winnicott believes that a child’s comprehensive development does not need the best mother, only the mother is good enough. A good mother can fully meet the needs of her baby from birth. As the child’s capacity continues to develop, self-regulation is needed to reduce dependence on the mother.
“If the mother does not let go, the mother will hinder the child’s development,” said Donald Winnicott. According to him, standing in front of a “imperfect” mother, children can also relieve learning pressure, fatigue and relax more. A mother’s weakness stimulates the child’s desire to protect the family. Asking children to “help” is also the best tool to improve their sense of responsibility.
3. Good job, thank you
Finally, do not forget to say “Thank you” to children, let them see their own value and meaning, find excitement when working. Let your children receive profoundly positive feedback, to understand what their behaviors are worthy of recognition and worth doing. This will gradually encourage children to form good habits and behaviors.
“We can push the child and let it go forward, we can also actively step back and let the child stand in the front,” said American psychologist Zimmerman. The appreciation of a parent activates a child’s sense of values and confidence. Being proud of a child “doing well” also fosters self-esteem and confidence.
Love is holding hands at the right time, weakness means letting go at the right time. Because the road of life is so bumpy, so learn to let go, new parents can raise independent and courageous children.
Hai Hien (Follow sohu)