Children stuck when parents divorce

Five years after the day her parents broke up, Thanh Huong wrote in her diary “I don’t know which side is right. On my mother’s side, my father was angry, on my father’s side, tears were in my eyes”.

Thanh Huong, 12 years old, in Nam Tu Liem district, is an obedient, good student. Only thing, I rarely talk, like to sit alone.

Recently, Huong’s mother, Mai Thanh, had to take her child to see a psychologist because she found that she was not focused on studying and cried very easily. When asked about the story, the little girl said, on weekends when she was picked up at her father’s house, she often had to listen to her grandmother’s harsh words: “Do whatever you want, don’t be miserable like your mother”. Then my dad kept asking me, have you met anyone lately? If she later gets married, will she live with her father?…

Parents divorce, children will be the most disadvantaged. Illustration: New York Times.

Mai Thanh and her husband broke up with their 7-year-old daughter, after a long series of quarrels, cursing, upper leg lower forearm…. To win custody of the child, Thanh once threatened to commit suicide, so her husband had to hand over the child. only daughter for his wife. After the divorce, Thanh did not cooperate in visiting, so the father and son lost contact for a long time.

Missing her children, her husband always finds a way to meet. Many times, during recess at school, Huong was called to the school office to meet her father. Several times, this man filed a lawsuit to the Qing court to relax the father and son to meet. Since then, she has often heard criticisms of her mother from her father and grandmother.

For many women like Mai Thanh, divorce is the last solution to end family relationships when they are no longer happy. In Vietnam, there are about 60,000 divorces a year, equivalent to 0.75 cases for every 1,000 people, which means one in every four couples registered for marriage goes to court, according to the General Statistics Office in 2019. Also according to the newspaper According to this report, the divorce rate in Vietnam increased over the same period in 2009, from 1.4% to 2.1%, of which 70% of cases were filed by women.

“After the divorce, parents may have many new partners, but the child will always have only one father and one mother. That is definitely a big deficiency in the child’s life later,” psychologist Trinh said. Trung Hoa said.

Two psychologists Joan B. Kelly from Corte Madera (California, USA) and Robert E. Emery, University of Virginia, in an article concluded, people who grow up in divorce, tend to meet difficulty with relationships, difficulty getting close to others at a young age, easily frustrated with marriage, higher divorce rate, and less closeness to parents. In the book “How to tell the kids” (Talk to your child about divorce) by author Vikki Stark, published in 2015 asserts: “Divorce is not the main cause of hurt children but the conflict between parents for a long time”.

Tuan Anh, 13 years old, lives in Tay Ho district, was a victim of conflict between his parents after divorce. Seven years ago, his father joined a business and fell in love with another woman. In order to gain the right to take the initiative to divorce, the father used a garbage sim, pretended to be another man, texting to flirt with his wife, then set up a scenario to catch him. They broke up in the jealousy of the husband and the resentment of the wife’s injustice.

The most painful thing for the mother was that she could not keep custody of the child because the father thought that she was “spoiled, not qualified to raise children”. Tuan Anh’s mother is only a seamstress, her economy is worse than her husband’s, so she cannot pursue a lawsuit to claim her child.

Although he took his son from his ex-wife, Tuan Anh’s father did not love him and often beat and scolded him, especially after he took his lover’s stepchild to adopt and had a child together after a year of living together. He also prevented his ex-wife from coming to see her child, so despite her grief, the mother could only watch from afar. Even, so that his ex-wife could not find children at school, the father was willing to transfer his children from one school to another.

At home, Tuan Anh was often beaten by his father to purple, sometimes he was forced to eat cold rice by the door like a beggar. Being abused by his father, deprived of the right to see his mother, he was always bewildered, sad, not smart, smiling like friends of the same age.

Although he did not love his son, but when he went to court to arbitrate and reclaim custody of the child, the father still enthusiastically hired two lawyers to argue for him. This person also threatened that if his ex-wife continued to demand children, he would torture the baby more. After struggling many times, the wife finally gave up because she did not want to hurt the child. Later, the grandfather himself, because he could not accept his son’s work, hired a lawyer for his ex-daughter-in-law to claim his son.

Many children become vents for their parents after a divorce, due to the hostility and tension that arise when one partner blames the other.  Illustration: Straitstimes.

Many children become vents for their parents after a divorce, due to the hostility and tension that arise when one partner blames the other. Illustration: Straitstimes.

Lawyer Nguyen Hong Thai (Hong Thai International Law Firm), who provides legal advice and support to Tuan Anh’s mother, shared that with a child, there is nothing more painful than being forced to believe that their father (or mother) is a bad person, especially confirmed from the other side.

“The parent’s relationship is a child’s first model of love, kindness, and respect. When children lose confidence in their values, they don’t behave the same way their parents treat each other. This also makes children afraid to love and to get married. It also loses children’s trust in respect, especially with parents, “said Thai lawyer.

Another aspect, after divorce or parent remarriage, the situation of living with a stepfather or stepmother, the status of “your child, my child”, leading to a lack of responsibility in educating children such as neglect, vice versa. treat. This action will have a profound impact on the immature perception of children, causing discord, psychological damage, and even life.

The recent case of an 8-year-old girl in Binh Thanh District, Ho Chi Minh City being beaten to death by her father’s girlfriend has shaken public opinion because of the cruelty and insensitivity not only of the perpetrator but also of the victim’s biological father. A year ago, a girl NNMM, born in 2017, in Hanoi, died after being beaten and abused by her mother and stepfather continuously for two days. In February 2021, a 12-year-old NHB girl, residing in Ha Cau ward, Ha Dong district, Hanoi, was also sexually abused by her mother and sexually abused by her lover, causing a stir in public opinion.

Expert Trinh Trung Hoa said that regularly experiencing hatred and hatred from parents or being abused mentally and physically will negatively affect personality, psychology and development. of children. Children are more likely to have health and psychological problems such as low self-esteem, anxiety disorders, and even depression.

With lawyer Hoang Thai, after a divorce, parents can do a number of things to minimize the impact on their children. For example, reminding children that parents will always love their children, even if they are no longer together. Try to maintain a normal life for the child. After the divorce, not to deprive the other party of the right to visit, but cooperate as much as possible.

“Children are not allowed to participate in the two sides’ duel. Do not speak ill of the opponent or argue about parenting issues in front of the children,” Thai lawyer affirmed. If one party remarries, don’t make too many demands and force the children to do things they don’t want, such as calling their new partner “dad” or “mom.”

No family is broken when you still receive your parents' love, this is the 16th of 20 paintings by Azka Corbuzier, 9 years old, from Indonesia, about her parents' broken marriage.

“No family is broken when you still receive the love of your parents”, this is the 16th of 20 paintings by Azka Corbuzier, 9 years old, an Indonesian about her parents’ broken marriage .

Two years ago, Azka Corbuzier, 9 years old, from Indonesia, painted 20 pictures depicting the divorce process of his parents, famous around the world. Instead of a gloomy mood, the colors, drawings, and forewords are filled with color and joy.

In the 15th and 16th photo, the boy writes: “When people ask me if I want my parents back together, I say: No. I just want everyone to be happy. No family will break if I don’t. still have the love of both father and mother as before.”

Hai Hien


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