Afraid to love because of the burden of love

Nguyen Quoc Tuan, 25 years old, finds himself inferior when he loves a girl but dares not confess, because he believes that a month’s salary is not enough for several dates.

Tuan, a technician of a confectionery company, is staying with two friends in Hoai Duc district, Hanoi. While his friends groomed themselves every night to go out with his girlfriend, he just stayed at home waiting for bedtime.

Compared to his roommate, Quoc Tuan’s income is slightly higher, about ten million dong. But as the oldest brother, with three younger brothers, his parents are farmers, so Tuan feels that he has to be responsible for his family. His younger brother went to university, instead of sending money home to support his family every month, he adopted him to study.

Tuan said, he liked a girl but never dared to text and ask to go out. “Inviting a girlfriend to eat a bowl of vermicelli also costs nearly one hundred thousand, drinking milk tea one hundred thousand, watching a movie nearly two hundred. Not to mention, if you love each other, you have to give gifts on holidays, but a year, there are dozens of days when you have to give gifts. “, he calculated and found that this “love fee” was too much for him, so he had to bury his feelings.

Unlike Quoc Tuan, Nguyen Duc (24 years old, from Hai Phong) has spent half a year with a girlfriend but has just decided to break up. During the time of love, his salary of 8 million VND per month was only enough to spend about 10 days. To have movie sessions, to eat with your lover, to hang out around the suburbs… Germany has to eat instant noodles for many days. Since the middle of this year, the company has less work, so Germany’s income has decreased by nearly two million. No money, he often scowls, even quarrels with his girlfriend over trivial things. Farewell, Germany finds it easier to spend, when it cuts fees. “If the money is farther away, how can I take care of my girlfriend. Well, let’s break up so that people can find someone who can cover and protect,” the guy staying in Dong Da gave the reason.

Despite the decrease in income, Germany is still luckier than more than 400,000 young people (15-24 years old) who are unemployed in the first six months of 2022, accounting for 36.8% of the total number of unemployed people, according to the General Statistics Office.

Pham Khanh Nam, Dean of the Faculty of Economics, Ho Chi Minh City University of Economics, once said that the rapid and continuous increase in prices right after Covid became a double effect that made it difficult for people to restart their lives. Many people have stable incomes after Covid like Tuan, but because of inflation, it is no different from reducing their income. “Saving and changing consumption structure is the best way at the moment,” said Mr. Nam.

Fear of dating because of savings like Tuan and Duc contributed to the rapid increase in the rate of single people living in Vietnam, from 6.2% in 2004 to 10.1% in 2019, according to the General Department of Vietnam. list.

The trend of lazy dating because of economic pressure is spreading around the world. While struggling to find work as unemployment climbed to a 17-year high, many young South Koreans say they lack the time, money and emotions to date. In India, a recent survey conducted by online dating service showed that 52% of respondents said they had given up dating to save money on clothes, gas, and food. and vehicle spending.

Psychologist Nguyen Thi Tam (HCMC) said that in some ways, it is possible to sympathize with the fear of dating because of expensive fees like Duc and Tuan. Today’s society is a society of a market economy, so even though women are not dependent, the high demand for living and living still puts pressure on men.

“Commodity society, peer pressure on men’s minds. Most women want to marry a man who can help them feel secure, because that’s their husband, the father of their children.” Mrs. Tam said.

The Youth Values ​​Study, conducted by the Social Life Research Institute in 2017, in Ho Chi Minh City, partly reinforces Ms. Tam’s point of view, when it shows that young people’s biggest worries finance (59%) and career building (55%). Meanwhile, finding a life partner is the last concern, just over 14%.

Illustration: Istock

Ms. La Linh Nga, Director of the Center for Research and Application of Psychological Science-Education (Hanoi), found that the current forms of entertainment are rich and attractive to young people. Couples in love often invite each other to eat, drink milk tea, then watch movies, not to mention travel expenses, the total cost can be equal to a few days’ salary.

Meanwhile, the concept of most Vietnamese people is still that men pay for every date, few guys ask the girl to share the meal with him. “When they truly love each other and are serious about their relationship, Vietnamese men are even more stressed that they have to earn money and support their wives and children,” Ms. Nga acknowledged.

The thought that men must protect and take care of women is deeply rooted in the thoughts of the previous generation and still heavily influences the minds of young people. The study “Male and masculinity in an integrated Vietnamese society”, conducted by the Institute for Social Development Studies (ISDS) in 2018, with more than 2,500 men, found that there are 23 traditional criteria in four life field that has pushed back men and gender equality.

In which, there are criteria such as: men are the breadwinners, earn enough money to support their wives and children, actively confess and always generously protect women, not letting themselves and their families be inferior to others. … 94.5% of people think that a man should be a protective shoulder for his woman.

According to expert Nguyen Thi Tam, in modern society, most women work, earn income and want to actively contribute to building a family. They don’t criticize the poor with money, only the poor who are progressive. A guy who is poor but lives with a will, always wants to develop himself, wants to rise to change reality, is still attractive to women, even pursued by girls. “If you just put the condition of having a house, a car, a career … to fall in love, it is a mistake,” she said.

In addition, Ms. Tam also noted that men, when getting to know a girl, don’t be afraid to be frank if you want to share the cost. “We are moving towards an equal and civilized society, there is no reason why men only give, women only receive,” she said.

Linh Nga advises guys, even if they are worried about the cost in the early stages of learning, they should boldly experience love. The cost of a few dates is expensive, but it doesn’t matter much. While, with those few meetings, you can know if you and your partner are suitable for starting a relationship or not.

If a girl is more materialistic than her boyfriend is capable of, and tends to rely heavily on her boyfriend, it also means that the two are not compatible. “When they truly love each other, most girls do not ask their lover for things beyond his ability, and even actively share the cost with their boyfriend,” Ms. Nga said.

Nguyen Duc admits that his girlfriend of the same age has the same income, and even has a better month than him. She repeatedly took the initiative to share money with her boyfriend when going out to eat or demanded to pay off when she got her salary.

When planning to go out, his girlfriend will also split the cost, but he wants to pay it all, because male honor does not allow it. “She’s so fair, I feel like a coward,” he said.

The name of the character in the article has been changed.

Pham Nga


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